I feel unbelievably trapped.
I can’t tell anyone this. I can’t talk about it. I can’t complain about it. I’m suffocating and just now realizing it.
But I can’t play victim. Because two other people in my family are fighting a much bigger battle that I am. They have to deal with more. Sacrifice more.
So my feelings… and what I feel like I’m giving up… are so unbelievably trivial.
This is probably the worst I have ever felt. Being so upset, scared, annoyed, happy, frustrated, pissed, absent…
and yet I can’t vent…
because the second I do I feel selfish.. which turns out to be beyond worse than all of those emotions combined.
The second I open my mouth and let this all fall out, is the same second I wish I could take it all back…and not have said anything in the first place.
This is a nightmare.
This is my biggest battle.
And yet… I can barely call it that.. because this is a much bigger nightmare…and battle…for them.
i’m having a hard time with this. i’m away from everyone. isolated. missing out on being a part of something. anything.
missing out on everything.
its a sacrifice, this i know. and on a day to day basis i get through each week just the same…just as fine.
i shouldn’t complain. things could always be worse. but this is hard.
i’m tempted to fall apart. just because i can. because no one would really notice. i’m bored. i can’t simply engulf myself into things that keep me busy. my mind wont let me.